Garden Felicitations

Miss Olivia Ladgrise confers with a close acquaintance, the Madam Jessica Souperkoup, concerning the subject of a favorite employee and his esteemed qualities in the garden and kitchen:
I love how he manhandles my watermelons and delicately plucks my strawberries. The cherries he drops into my hand, so succulent! Cucumbers, corn, carrots, celery, and eggplants! Many [...]

The Gallery of Heroes

He stood in the unbearable heat of the hellish darkness and answered the withered man’s question—“Jerry, wasn’t it?”— with a bitter mouth: “No.”
The gnome of a man turned back to his heavy desk and buried his face in its dusty tome as the lone candleflame wrothe shadows aurasome around the hairy reaches of  a balding [...]

An Extraordinary Day at Times Square: An Old Livejournal Entry

you are caught, your car idle in the midst of a multitude of petroleum guzzlers. shit. bumper to bumper traffic. you look at your watch, and the air is thick. noxious, intermingling with the smell of cooking meat. man, that fucking cab in front of you must not be meeting their emissions requirements. you stick [...]

Songs of the Morbid

take a dump
its almost as good as going for a hump
it s not as godly as a fart
but in itself it is a form of art
say good bye to your bowels
and go easy on the butt rubbing towels
eat beans, show your appreciation for the gastronomical chorus
beans are a delight to eat and expel
eat beans, and [...]

My Crazy Wife… the Sequel

My wife.
So vital… so insane.
A feral creature from the mire of human legend.
She lurched above me.
Pounding me into the bed.
I felt a beam break.
There goes another paycheck.
She howled fuck the Red Sox!
I wondered what the Red Sox had done to her.
Fuck the White Sox!
That I could understand.
Bleaching whites weren’t exactly her strongest suit.
She collapsed over [...]

My Crazy Wife

Not everyone could boast having a crazy wife.
Not that I’m saying your wife isn’t, mind you.
She probably is.
You know how wives can be.
But my missus, she was honest to God full-blown batshit.
Mood swings.
Invisible friends.
Flying frogs dripping golden ichor while singing lamentations.
The whole she-bang.
She definitely fit the bill.
The poster girl for Sunnyvale Sanitarium.
And that was just [...]

Found Excerpts: random shit

we leak radiation. our cells are constantly regenerating. we tend to remain in one approximate location for a good amount of time. Perhaps hauntings are just non-baryonic memories of us, the residue of our subatomic matter that has congealed and collected in the quantum foam in a specific locale, ghosts of an event. perhaps [...]

Found Excerpts: Untitled April ‘07

She says I’m pregnant. He falls backward and his hands scrabble for the doorknob. He turns to flee into the heavy night. Wait, she says. He pauses to pause and panic overtakes him. In a fervent daze, like a man drunk, he staggers down the street and clatters into an alley. Yesterday’s newspaper and rotten [...]

Found Excerpts: Apartment Ruminations March ‘07

Dredging through text files on my computer to find this excerpt, which is amazing because my brain has dumped the event that occurred but upon reading it, flashed with brilliant clarity into the antechamber of memory: eyesquinting through the slats of gray light through the slow swaying jog of disturbed vertical blinds out into the [...]

Blast from the past: an old blog entry

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

My ears ring all the time. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes if I’m paying attention I can play it like a frenzied conductor and his wand in front of an orchestra, swinging the mind’s arms to a frenetic pounding techno beat. Today I realized something: the ringing intensifies when I am at the [...]