My Crazy Wife

Not everyone could boast having a crazy wife.
Not that I’m saying your wife isn’t, mind you.
She probably is.
You know how wives can be.
But my missus, she was honest to God full-blown batshit.
Mood swings.
Invisible friends.
Flying frogs dripping golden ichor while singing lamentations.
The whole she-bang.
She definitely fit the bill.
The poster girl for Sunnyvale Sanitarium.
And that was just on her good days!
And I loved her.
Doctors called it schizophrenia.
Her condition, not me loving her.
I called it an interesting distraction.
Again, her condition, not me loving her.
There was an upside to the whole off her rocker affair.
There always is.
She could never get enough of it.
Everyone should know what I am talking about when I say “it.”
Boy, after a long, hard day at work it’s a long, hard night in the sack.
She was quite imaginative.
I reckon being crazy had something to do with it.
It helped to be a good sport.
That was the third bed in six months.
It also helped to have a fat paycheck at the end of each month.
But I drew the line at fire throwing in bed.
She called that particular position Great Balls of Fire.
I didn’t want to make it literal.
She was a beast between the sheets.
And outside the sheets.
In the kitchen.
In the fireplace (don’t ask).
On the roof (I told you she was imaginative).
In the– well, you get the idea.
The contortions of her face would have put Linda Blair to shame.
Hell, if a priest ever performed a coitus interruptus, well, hello thar, exorcism!
I reckon an exorcism would probably have helped.
After all she was schizophrenic.
Isn’t that just another word for being beset with demons?

A blast from the past! This is an old entry from a blog of mine that has been since defunct, but lives on as the newest addition to my blogroll. This was written in 2005 and was inspired by the hilarious capers of Ross H. Spencer, one of the most underrated noir comedy writers. His books are difficult to find but I recommend grabbing a copy if you should happen to find one. His stories are extremely funny and are very easy to read, often in one sitting.

As for my old blogs, I had not perused them in a good while, and I was amazed at how much different I am today. That got me wondering…


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