Happiness Inc.

ARE YOU BORED WITH YOUR LIFE? HAS ENNUI ERADICATED YOUR ENTHUSIASM? DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH THE DOLDRUMS? THEN YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! NASH RUDDIN HAS THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS!

Fat Mick nodded and his jeweled fingers stroked the mouse. He brushed his pyjama silks and gargled some Dom Perignon.

PLEASE ENTER YOUR INFORMATION. IT IS ESSENTIAL FOR ACHIEVING THE ULTIMATE HAPPINESS. IT IS JUST AROUND THE BEND, AS SOON AS YOU INPUT YOUR NAME, AGE, RACE, AND YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION. JUST ONE MORE STEP BEFORE NASH RUDDIN REVEALS HIS SECRET TO HAPPINESS! DO NOT HESITATE!

Fat Mick rubbed his fat hands in anticipation and his tongue licked lips permanently fixed in a decadent sneer. His finger worked the keyboard carefully and, upon completion, he pressed ENTER. He smoothed back his five hundred dollar haircut. His self-satisfied smile was cruel.

NASH RUDDIN IS PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT EACH ONE OF YOUR OFF-SHORE ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN DRAINED, ALL OF YOUR ASSETS LIQUIDATED!  CONGRATULATIONS ON RECEIVING THE NASH RUDDIN SECRET TO HAPPINESS!

Fat Mick blanched then chuckled, shaking his head with slow mirth. Ha ha ha! The phone rang. He picked it up and brought it to his small, diamond studded ear. His lawyer was frantic. The phone rang. He put his lawyer on hold and it was his investors. The phone rang, and he put his investors on hold to talk to his finanicial advisors. Now Fat Mick began to panic. He stabbed at the keyboard and returned to the website of that damnable Nash Ruddin. He screamed at Nash Ruddin’s grinning face. He destroyed the keyboard, his face red and his larynx tortured. A knock sounded at the door, and the butler went to see who it was. The butler returned with a foreclosure notice, and said ahem he ahem got a call from ahem his employer and ahem that his services were no longer ahem needed and turned in his resignation.  Fat Mick collapsed in the middle of his posh plush palace and rolled like a toddler in the throes of a meltdown. The computer emitted a tone. YOU GOT MAIL! Fat Mick clutched at the desk and pulled himself up by his elbows. He manuevered the mouse. Then he sank down to his arse, his bulk quivering with sobs of relief. Joy exploded from within his being. As he wiped happy tears from beady eyes, the phones rang again.

SURROUNDED BY SPLENDOR ONE FORGETS NOT TO TAKE FOR GRANTED THE THINGS ONE HAS. WITH LOSS IS ONE’S TRUE CONDITION STRONGLY FELT. YOU HAVE LOST EVERYTHING IN LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES. DEAR CUSTOMER, HOW DID IT FEEL? HOLD THAT FEELING, REMEMBER IT. NOW FOR THE TRUE NASH RUDDIN HAPPINESS TREATMENT: EVERYTHING HAS BEEN RESTORED. THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING AND PLEASE DO TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS FREE SERVICE!

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2 responses to “Happiness Inc.

  1. Ohhh, I love this Sam!My car broke down the other day, and while I was waiting for someone to come and get me, all I could do was stare at people driving their driveable cars and I had never appreciated having a running car so much…

    I really do love this.

  2. I’m glad you liked it, but I can’t entirely take all the credit for this. This is really a retelling of a Nasruddin story. If you don’t know who Mullah Nasruddin is, he is a character in a mosiac of short Sufi (the guys who brought you “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” and “Does a tree make a sound when it falls when nobody is around?”) stories in which he is either the fool or the sage. I recommend you google nasruddin; you won’t be disappointed and you will love the nuggets of absurd wisdom in each story.

    What I was trying to do with this piece is re-tell a favorite story of mine which I read years ago in a more contemporary setting. I am going to try that with other stories, but is quite a bit of difficult going.

    Again, I’m glad this made you think, and am hoping the auto crisis has been intervened.

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